What Are You Afraid Of?

I am so close to breaking. I'm on that brink, that edge, that cliff face that haunts my dreams, where I stand right next to the drop and all of a sudden the thought enters my head: "What would happen if I just... stepped? If I just... leaned a little further over?" It's the scariest feeling I've ever had. That I have the power to end everything, just like that, in an instant, with just a thought. All I would have to do is give in to that curiosity for a split second, and there would be no turning back. In those dreams, I usually stop myself. I usually just step back and move on. But sometimes, in my dream, I do give in. And those are the dreams that turn into nightmares. Where I fall through space for what feels like an eternity, only able to regret my quarter-moment of weakness and watch my life play on a film roll before me. When I dream, though, I am able to wake up. I never hit the ground, I just... wake up. It's all over. When I have those same thoughts in real life, when I'm really standing by an upstairs window, on a high up platform, on the top of a building, on the side of a road with speeding cars, I am paralyzed. I have a panic attack. Because I can't just "wake up." One slip up, one moment of weakness, and I can't turn back. People always ask if I'm afraid of heights. I'm not. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my weaknesses, my faults, my misgivings, my curiosity. I'm afraid of the devil on my shoulder that whispers over and over, "Just try it. You know you want to know. Just take a step. One step is all it takes." I am afraid of myself, around heights. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of breaking. I'm afraid of not being strong enough. I'm afraid of my own incredible power. I'm afraid of my free will. I'm afraid of messing up. I'm afraid of not being able to fix it. I'm afraid of permanence. I am afraid of the very real, very absolute power of permanence of the tiniest moments. That is what I am afraid of.

Perspective.

It's beautiful. The way rain turns into snow, the way sadness can become a sight of pure beauty and joy. The way you can watch it fall until it's five a.m. and long past your bedtime and yet still be mesmerized. Each falling flake has some silent way of speaking to you, and it speaks so softly that you don't recognize it at first. But, as they keep falling, they keep speaking, and in unison they have a magical way of getting their point across. You can sit and watch snow fall and have revelations and epiphanies until you think your mind will explode from all the new found knowledge you've gained, and whether or not you remember it all in the morning is irrelevant. You just know that in this moment you have become something else, some oracle of knowledge to dispense to yourself, and even if it doesn't all get through, it's powerful in its own right. It makes you reflect on the past, and things and memories that might make you cry- they will most definitely make you cry of you're willing to give in, and it always helps heal whatever wounds are still burning- but that's the beauty of it. It makes you evaluate the present, asks you if you're really doing what you should with your time, if you're making the right choices- sometimes you are, sometimes you aren't. It makes you rethink your future- if where you're headed is where you want to go, if where you're headed is even where you thought you were going- because sometimes things can get a little mixed up along the way. But it's okay. That's why we have winters, for snow. For snow to bring us happiness and tears, together.

I Just Want to Write.

What are Stars?

Stars are little bits of our hearts put up in the sky so we can see and share them with the people that we love, in hopes that they can't hurt those parts of out hearts, but sometimes we forget that's what they are, and when the bits of our hearts that we kept with us and gave to other people are hurt, we think that's all the heart we have and we lose sight of ever repairing our hearts. But that's what the stars are for. We never get those shards of our hearts back, but they can help us heal better than anything we have around us, but we have to seek them out and use them or they can't help us. It can be hard to remember then, and even harder when the weather isn't right or the glow from the streetlamps fills up the sky with so much light that they block out the night, but if we remember then, they will inevitably and assuredly make us whole again. We never again get to hold them, or put them back in our hearts, but they are far more valuable to us where they are if we are willing to take the time to use them, because unlike the heart we keep with us, they will never break, never be lost, and can radiate to us an endless amount of hope and healing. There's a reason we all unconsciously look to the sky when we are in pain, or desperately in need of help of any kind. Our hearts are reminding us of the missing pieces tucked away in the midnight blue of a clear night that are anxiously watching and waiting to help us heal. That is what stars are.