I am so close to breaking. I'm on that brink, that edge, that cliff face that haunts my dreams, where I stand right next to the drop and all of a sudden the thought enters my head: "What would happen if I just... stepped? If I just... leaned a little further over?" It's the scariest feeling I've ever had. That I have the power to end everything, just like that, in an instant, with just a thought. All I would have to do is give in to that curiosity for a split second, and there would be no turning back. In those dreams, I usually stop myself. I usually just step back and move on. But sometimes, in my dream, I do give in. And those are the dreams that turn into nightmares. Where I fall through space for what feels like an eternity, only able to regret my quarter-moment of weakness and watch my life play on a film roll before me. When I dream, though, I am able to wake up. I never hit the ground, I just... wake up. It's all over. When I have those same thoughts in real life, when I'm really standing by an upstairs window, on a high up platform, on the top of a building, on the side of a road with speeding cars, I am paralyzed. I have a panic attack. Because I can't just "wake up." One slip up, one moment of weakness, and I can't turn back. People always ask if I'm afraid of heights. I'm not. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my weaknesses, my faults, my misgivings, my curiosity. I'm afraid of the devil on my shoulder that whispers over and over, "Just try it. You know you want to know. Just take a step. One step is all it takes." I am afraid of myself, around heights. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of breaking. I'm afraid of not being strong enough. I'm afraid of my own incredible power. I'm afraid of my free will. I'm afraid of messing up. I'm afraid of not being able to fix it. I'm afraid of permanence. I am afraid of the very real, very absolute power of permanence of the tiniest moments. That is what I am afraid of.
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